/ 5:19:00 PM

Kapag Puno Na Ang Salop



I've always thought of my level of tolerance as having the tensile strength of I don't know.. let's say a rubber band or a freshly chewed bubble gum. Patience is not on top of my ehem.. virtues *snort* but I do wear it like a watch that I never (intentionally) leave home without. And while I'm not one of those smiley, chatty people who charm the hell out of strangers and new acquaintances alike, I'm a farkin' people pleaser. Which, for the record, is a fact that I detest to a certain level.



It's simply not good for my personal happiness.



This.. *gestures* having to constantly screen my thoughts and censor what I'd have to say so as not to offend anyone. Having to curb my sarcasm even if the person I'm speaking with deserves a chockfull of it. It's always been about propriety and kindness. And keeping my mouth shut when harmful shit's threatening to come out of it.



I repeat: not good for my personal happiness.



One of these days, I'm gonna grow meself a tumor.



Such is the way for ever the masochist moi.



But there are just things that people do that I can't stand for very long.



Like


- cutting people off in mid-sentence (like what others say aren't really important);

- overtalking people who obviously want to pitch in a thought or two (nothing more irritating than a "sapaw");

- not remembering if a certain anecdote/story has already been told

- and still continue repeating it ad nauseum even if brought to attention;

- picking on other ppl's quirks while turning a blind eye on blaring and glaring personal shortcomings; and,

- generally acting like you fucking own the fucking world and that everyone should fucking bow down to fucking serve your every fucking whim.



And still, I've usually let it all pass. I figured I'd get used to it anyhow. I've dealt with personalities like that before and look ma, I've come out of those encounters unscathed. Still not liking the person in question, but no harm done in any case.



But even the most durable of rubber bands has its breaking point.



Wear and tear.

Wear and tear.

Wear and tear.

Wear and tear.



That's all it takes.



Until it eventually snaps.



Until the daily dose of arrogance, condescension and whiny malcontent has eaten away at my tolerance and has worn away whatever sliver of patience I've been valiantly trying to hang on to.



Until my "Ah, so ito na yung part kung saan tatawa ako dapat?!" came out harsher and a bit louder than I had expected.



And then there was an abrupt silence.



A whoosh of surprised silence at last Friday's dinner table. Yeah, the nonparty I referred to in my previous entry.



Hey, even I was surprised.



I don't need to put up with this shit. That was what I was actually thinking.



Good thing my internal thought-to-speech filter was on auto pilot. It would have made a bigger mess had I actually blurted that out.



Which is not to say that my mess right now isn't muddled enuf as it is.



So two hours after my lil one liner hit the fan, I was finally home. I put down my bag at the dining table, sat on one of the chairs and launched into full kwento mode with my mom. The whole sordid affair, complete with history, backstories, re-enactments and colorful descriptions of the main character and the other bit players. Btw, I speak straight emphatic English like I own it when I'm in the throes of anger.



Lots of English and a smattering of Waray invectives were heard that night/morning.



The dim lights, my feet propped up on my mum's lap, and the aura of tranquility that only the wee hours of the morning could bring. It was like one of those mother-daughter bonding scenes from a movie.



Only this ain't Hallmark's movie of the week.



"I don't need to put up with this shit!!! And most especially not from her(!!!), of all people!!! Aba'y leche noh!!!" was my mantra.



A whole lot of exclamation points where that came from.



But I'm not sorry all this happened. I sure don't like it but I'm not taking it back.



Peste nga yawa. Kabaraka ko man.



There are indeed some things in this world that you can live without.



*****



So it's now Wednesday. And there's still a whole lot of ambivalence in me.



I'm not comfortable having lost control that way but I'm not exactly sorry that I've uttered those words. Maybe she's not used to having it thrown back to her face. Well, someone who does a lot of ill-humored jabs should be strong enough to take one when it hits her squarely on the face, eh?



No? Well, T-O-U-G-H!



I still stand by my words for these two reasons:

1) It needed to be said; and,

2) I needed to say it.



I felt it then. I feel it now.



*****



You know, there was always an option for things like this. To save myself the heartache.



The trick is to keep breathing. To take a deep breath and just walk away.



Some people say that it's the cowardly way. But then I've heard others call it "taking the higher ground" as well.



Whatever.



I call it my option A.



Now taking the confrontational route would be a course of action for other people. And while I admit that lashing out has its therapeutic effects, it has never been my style.



The scandal that comes with it is so not my thing. Bringing the drama to lower levels of cheapness does not appeal to me, thankyouverymuch.



The fire fuelling my anger may get out of hand and make me say things that I may ultimately regret. Potentially lethal weapons I can never take back.



I'm a Leo, believe me when I say that you don't wanna hear me roar.



Okay, so who said I needed an option B? Pfft. It's not like this is a weekly thing on my TDL anyway.



*****



Things have irrevocably changed. I feel it, this inky chasm lying between our paths. It may have always been there, just never more pronounced as it is right now.



And I feel this sadness, though not for whatever has been lost, but for whatever it is that was never there in the first place.



*takes a moment*



Walking away has never been easy but I'm glad there's nothing making it hard for me to simply walk away.



And so farther and farther away I go.

PROFILE: I am blah from class here and is born on 00/00/00, time. and so love me like this. I was so cute, I am totally an element that you'd never ever known, you can;t find it in the periodic table cause no one has even found it- I explode in your face just like potassium when it touches water, it's really explosive, you should really run away first before I do spark into flames and burn you alive! I love blasting my music as well, when love sync (elissa) let me hear Cry-Rihanna, i have been like addicted to it like drugs- oh wait. it's worse than drugs, it's better, more addictive than drugs. listen to that song! and this is one of my last blogskin that i will produce until the EOYs of 2008, cause i flunked Biology, ARGHS! OMG I SURE DIE LIKE !@#$% and i am emo now like under ltos of peer pressure and bad seniors.



having been in hwa chong institution (just like make it long so you can preview a long post or wad that fits right down underneath which i think i shall crap all day today) my eyes have been wanting to close since 20:00 (8PM)), I was so tired, cause the syllabus in hwachong is really so hard that no one can sleep really well. The new CSE classes (aka. Centre for Scholaristic Excellence) and is also known for it's famous nickname Cannot Sleep Everyday or Early. Is like even the teachers know, so the homework is reduced, but it's like OMG! will die, this year already so hard, next year i say "die!" mati already lar. arghs!NEXT, A RIOT OF COLORS, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME. AND I KNOW THAT I BRUISE EASILY. LEAP OF FATE LIKE i never know and i'm learning to fly and a safety net to cushion the blow. and i feel so suicidal and note "I BRUISE EASILY" and be gentle when you handle me.




hello once again, i have been having nightmares,no one is doing work for my project , whcih is true. supposed to do "family planning" is like whatever lar, when will we be able to use it not like very soon we are gonna have kids, settle down, earn money have NSman relief or whatsoever or even Children Relief, is like wtf. I am eating CIGAR ROLLS, they are vilina flavoured and jsut finished my bowl of ice cream which tasted so mixed, haha btu it was ncie to me (: I like mix of flavours liek suddenly a RIOT of colors and A EXPLOSION of taste! I mean like it's really impactful come to think about it, and cause my project has to be handed in by friday so i shall rush typign finish this retarded paragraph. like hello! ello! buhello! darkdegree will go on HIATUS soon. and i am so emo, i feel like slashing my wrist now, it's true adn don't look down on me for that i know people discriminate.

see you there at hiatus land.

/ 5:19:00 PM

Kapag Puno Na Ang Salop



I've always thought of my level of tolerance as having the tensile strength of I don't know.. let's say a rubber band or a freshly chewed bubble gum. Patience is not on top of my ehem.. virtues *snort* but I do wear it like a watch that I never (intentionally) leave home without. And while I'm not one of those smiley, chatty people who charm the hell out of strangers and new acquaintances alike, I'm a farkin' people pleaser. Which, for the record, is a fact that I detest to a certain level.



It's simply not good for my personal happiness.



This.. *gestures* having to constantly screen my thoughts and censor what I'd have to say so as not to offend anyone. Having to curb my sarcasm even if the person I'm speaking with deserves a chockfull of it. It's always been about propriety and kindness. And keeping my mouth shut when harmful shit's threatening to come out of it.



I repeat: not good for my personal happiness.



One of these days, I'm gonna grow meself a tumor.



Such is the way for ever the masochist moi.



But there are just things that people do that I can't stand for very long.



Like


- cutting people off in mid-sentence (like what others say aren't really important);

- overtalking people who obviously want to pitch in a thought or two (nothing more irritating than a "sapaw");

- not remembering if a certain anecdote/story has already been told

- and still continue repeating it ad nauseum even if brought to attention;

- picking on other ppl's quirks while turning a blind eye on blaring and glaring personal shortcomings; and,

- generally acting like you fucking own the fucking world and that everyone should fucking bow down to fucking serve your every fucking whim.



And still, I've usually let it all pass. I figured I'd get used to it anyhow. I've dealt with personalities like that before and look ma, I've come out of those encounters unscathed. Still not liking the person in question, but no harm done in any case.



But even the most durable of rubber bands has its breaking point.



Wear and tear.

Wear and tear.

Wear and tear.

Wear and tear.



That's all it takes.



Until it eventually snaps.



Until the daily dose of arrogance, condescension and whiny malcontent has eaten away at my tolerance and has worn away whatever sliver of patience I've been valiantly trying to hang on to.



Until my "Ah, so ito na yung part kung saan tatawa ako dapat?!" came out harsher and a bit louder than I had expected.



And then there was an abrupt silence.



A whoosh of surprised silence at last Friday's dinner table. Yeah, the nonparty I referred to in my previous entry.



Hey, even I was surprised.



I don't need to put up with this shit. That was what I was actually thinking.



Good thing my internal thought-to-speech filter was on auto pilot. It would have made a bigger mess had I actually blurted that out.



Which is not to say that my mess right now isn't muddled enuf as it is.



So two hours after my lil one liner hit the fan, I was finally home. I put down my bag at the dining table, sat on one of the chairs and launched into full kwento mode with my mom. The whole sordid affair, complete with history, backstories, re-enactments and colorful descriptions of the main character and the other bit players. Btw, I speak straight emphatic English like I own it when I'm in the throes of anger.



Lots of English and a smattering of Waray invectives were heard that night/morning.



The dim lights, my feet propped up on my mum's lap, and the aura of tranquility that only the wee hours of the morning could bring. It was like one of those mother-daughter bonding scenes from a movie.



Only this ain't Hallmark's movie of the week.



"I don't need to put up with this shit!!! And most especially not from her(!!!), of all people!!! Aba'y leche noh!!!" was my mantra.



A whole lot of exclamation points where that came from.



But I'm not sorry all this happened. I sure don't like it but I'm not taking it back.



Peste nga yawa. Kabaraka ko man.



There are indeed some things in this world that you can live without.



*****



So it's now Wednesday. And there's still a whole lot of ambivalence in me.



I'm not comfortable having lost control that way but I'm not exactly sorry that I've uttered those words. Maybe she's not used to having it thrown back to her face. Well, someone who does a lot of ill-humored jabs should be strong enough to take one when it hits her squarely on the face, eh?



No? Well, T-O-U-G-H!



I still stand by my words for these two reasons:

1) It needed to be said; and,

2) I needed to say it.



I felt it then. I feel it now.



*****



You know, there was always an option for things like this. To save myself the heartache.



The trick is to keep breathing. To take a deep breath and just walk away.



Some people say that it's the cowardly way. But then I've heard others call it "taking the higher ground" as well.



Whatever.



I call it my option A.



Now taking the confrontational route would be a course of action for other people. And while I admit that lashing out has its therapeutic effects, it has never been my style.



The scandal that comes with it is so not my thing. Bringing the drama to lower levels of cheapness does not appeal to me, thankyouverymuch.



The fire fuelling my anger may get out of hand and make me say things that I may ultimately regret. Potentially lethal weapons I can never take back.



I'm a Leo, believe me when I say that you don't wanna hear me roar.



Okay, so who said I needed an option B? Pfft. It's not like this is a weekly thing on my TDL anyway.



*****



Things have irrevocably changed. I feel it, this inky chasm lying between our paths. It may have always been there, just never more pronounced as it is right now.



And I feel this sadness, though not for whatever has been lost, but for whatever it is that was never there in the first place.



*takes a moment*



Walking away has never been easy but I'm glad there's nothing making it hard for me to simply walk away.



And so farther and farther away I go.